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Services | Testimonials | What is a Space Ostrich? | Resume
INFO : WHAT IS A SPACE OSTRICH?
Just because it has wings doesn't mean it will fly
What is a space ostrich? Though familiar with your everyday ostrich, most people don't know space ostriches are very attuned to the complex workings of the universe. It may not be obvious because we have a much different way of exploring than humans. Some humans seem to think flying very high and very fast will help them to explore outer space. Well, I'm sorry to report that space is really big guys, and its just not going to happen that way. If we are to believe Einstien's theory of relativity, its impossible to travel faster than light1, and anything worth visiting is many thousands of light years away. You're much better off staying put and working it out in your head. If that bit of logic isn't enough, take it from me, because ostriches used to be able to fly.
My descendants gave up flying eons ago. As they discovered gravity it became quite clear that they've been wasting vast amounts of energy keeping themselves aloft. The higher up they flew the colder it got, and the less likely they'd find a good bite to eat. So they landed, for good. Suddenly, food was everywhere, and why expend the massive amounts of energy to lift one's body weight when they could just walk? Also, being on the ground allowed ideal conditions for meditation: complete silence, complete darkness, and a controlled temperature. This is of course achieved this by simply sticking one's head in the ground.
Myth Understanding
I'd like to dispel a myth. We do not stick our heads in the sand because we're scared! In moments of terror it is best to run, a decent defense actually. A lot of ostriches tend to run in circles when frightened, which may seem odd to the average observer. However, being a space ostrich, I understand the concept of space-time, so running in a curved path is the best way to cover the most ground in the shortest period of time.2 Furthermore, I'd like to offer these sensible arguments:
- We're strong birds, but its mostly leg strength, and our beaks are not shovels! The force necessary to spear a hole is dizzying. I assure you if our past ancestors tried this, they have long since left the gene pool.
- You don't chose danger, it finds you when you're least prepared. What are the chances of finding a head sized, unoccupied hole in the ground?
- While so anchored we would not only be immobile, but blinded, and entirely without defense, exposing all our major organs to attack.
- Having evolved on the plains of Africa, ostriches actually only appeared to have their heads in the sand, when they were actually just keeping them very low to the ground to avoid being seen. If you lived in constant fear of a predator's attack, would you hold up a nine foot high flagpole on an open plain?
Ostrich Facts
Fact: Ostriches are the largest living birds in the world. Native to Africa, ostriches are flightless, a characteristic they share with the emu, rhea and cassowary. During the 1990s, the ostrich was seen as a potential "get rich quick" scheme. Early on, a farmer could see their original investment increase tenfold. But, as breeding stock numbers increase, potential investors are cautioned that ostrich production may become a financially risky proposition.
Space Ostriches: It is possible to get rich quick from a Space Ostrich. If you hire one to design your brand or otherwise produce your message, you have a valuable asset to getting your message communicated.
Fact: The bulk of food is vegetation, fruit, seeds, leaves, shoots, shrubs, succulent plants; also invertebrates, occasionally lizards, and other small vertebrates. Stones are ingested to aid in digestion.
Space Ostriches: Sushi, tacos, fusilli, spinach salad, and C2 Coca Cola. Red Bull may be imbibed during a rush job.
Fact: One ostrich egg equals up to 24 chicken eggs. And it takes approximately 2 hours to boil!
Space Ostriches: We don't lay eggs, but we are mesmorized by their elliptical shape. After all, in space, planets orbit in an elliptical path. Coincidence? Yes!
Fact: When courting a female, the male ostrich initiates a "roll." He squats, flapping his wings forwards and backwards, and thuds his head on alternate sides of his back.
Space Ostriches: None of your business.
1 Einsein's theory of relativity claims that an object cannot be accelerated to beyond the speed of light in a vacuum (186,000 miles per second).
2 Ok I made that up. It's true that space-time is curved, and ostriches often run in circles when scared, but the connection is pure fabrication.
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